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Me the person in counsellingI feel that I have learnt so much over the last two years on the diploma course. We have covered some fantastic areas and I wonder if I will ever know enough about them. For example, congruence, empathy and unconditional positive regard to name just a few. I could have chosen to cover any one of these areas and continued my learning process. However on reflection there is one area I have learnt more about over the last three years than any other. As Windy Dryden said; “As person centred counsellors we believe that our clients are the experts in their own lives. As individuals we know better than anyone else what is the best policy for our self development.”(Windy Dryden and Jill Myton 1999) Indeed one of the big differences between the person centred approach and others such as, psychodynamic and cognitive behavioural is that the person centred approach is non-directive. For example if a client is experiencing a sense of stuckness. The person centred counsellor will try to stay along side his client and endeavour to explore the sense of stuckness. However the person centred counsellor should never try to make the client fit into a theory or style of working. It is up to the counsellor to see the world from the client’s frame of reference and not the other way around. So with these thoughts in mind I decided to write about the one area that I do know a lot about, and that is myself. For if the client is the expert in his own life. Then it follows that the counsellor is also the expert in his or her own life. So what have I learned about myself? Who is Anthony Somers? And what do I bring to the counselling relationship? I intend to use this assignment as a way of answering these very important questions. I feel as though over the last two years I have been on a journey of discovery. Discovering things about others and myself. And I view this assignment as a good way of reflectively mapping this journey. And also as a way of continuing to focus on my personal development. I intend to try and show who me the person in counselling actually is. The part that everyone sees is Anthony the eldest son of four brothers, Anthony the husband and father, Anthony the fire fighter. But what about the parts that people don’t see? These parts are well hidden and very well defended. Indeed the parts of me that I have already mentioned in a way are masks. They hide the more vulnerable parts of me, and protect them. It would appear to me that we have many parts, and many masks to portray these parts. I can wear the mask, and hide behind the role, of father, brother or fire fighter. But these are parts of my outer self, my outer shell. Mearns and Thorne say: “ Perhaps it is not that the self has changed, but that the interrelationship of configurations within the self has altered. In this conception of self, is comprised a number of parts or configurations interrelating like a family, with an individual variety of dynamics.” ( Mearns and Thorne 1988) It feels to me as though during my time on the diploma course, I have been on a journey of self-discovery. And like on all journeys it is useful to carry some necessary equipment, specifically useful for that journey. On my journey of self-discovery the most useful tool I have been able to use is congruence. When Carl Rogers talks about congruence he says, “ It has been found that personal change is facilitative when the psychotherapist is what he is, when in the relationship with his client he is genuine and without front or façade, openly being the feelings and attitudes which are at that moment flowing in him. We have coined the term congruence to try to describe this condition.” (Rogers 1967) Congruence is like fire; if used carefully it will give heat and light. But if abused it is capable of burning and causing damage. Congruence can shed light in the darkest of places but can also be used as a tool to hurt others (promiscuous honesty). I could use the guise of honesty to hurt someone and score a point. But if I were truly congruent I would know the reasons behind my actions. Tony Merry puts it like this; “If we are to be authentic it means we cannot hide behind roles or masks. We have to come out into the open and meet others openly and non-defensively. This can be quite a hard thing to do, and often it takes some courage to reveal ourselves and our feelings.”(Tony Merry 1999) To me congruence is like a sword of truth that is capable of slashing through lies and illuminating the darkness. So here I am on my journey of self-discovery with my trusty sword of congruence and my body armour. At this point I am reminded of Carl Rogers nineteen propositions, proposition one, “Every individual exists in a continually changing world of experience of which he is the centre.” (Rogers 1951) My body armour is made up from all of my defences, the roles I hide behind. For a long time the road seemed to be smooth and flat, the way ahead was clear. These were the times when I had complete faith in my parents, I trusted that they knew what was the best for me. But then came the hills, at first they were small and easy to get over. However they soon started to get bigger. The sun was shining, and my armour, which had served me well, was starting to feel very heavy and weigh me down. Dare I risk removing it, and lowering my defences? What would people think of me without my armour? Would they like me? Would they even notice me? Would they laugh? I could carry on; I heard my dads voice, “be strong Anthony don’t give in, don’t be a big baby.” Then as the ever brightening sun radiated its heat through my now scorching defences. I heard my mum say, “you always give in, get back out there, don’t trust any one.” My legs were growing weary and the heat was even evaporating the sweat on my brow. I had to make a choice; both carry on and risk collapsing in a heap. Or take the equally scary option of removing my armour. What should I do? Listen to the words of my parents and carry on, or listen to that little, but powerful voice that seemed to be coming from some where deep inside of me. (Rogers 1951 proposition ten) “The values attached to experiences, and the values which are a part of the self-structure, in some instances are values experienced directly by the organism, and in some instances are values introjected or taken over from others, but perceived in distorted fashion, as if they had been experienced directly.” The voice was saying “take of the armour and feel the warmth of the sun, every thing will be ok”. I cautiously removed some of my armour and felt the warmth of the sunrays on my face. Although blinding at first, its soothing warmth comforted my aching body. So what does this metaphor mean to me? I think the path I am on can be compared to the actualising tendency. It is the path we are all on, the path of growth and growing and becoming all that we are capable of becoming. Carl Rogers said, “By this I mean the directional trend that is evident in all organic and human life-the urge to expand, extend, develop, mature-the tendency to express and activate all the capacities of the organism, or self.”(Carl Rogers 1967). At some level I know what is best for me, I know my needs. However on my journey, as every good knight knows, I need to stop and rest. But to gain access to the best inns or taverns I have to wear the correct attire and know the secret password. In other words I have to know how to conform and fit in. I need positive regard from significant others. To get this I will often do what I think they want me to do, rather than what I think is best for me. Carl Rogers describes it like this; “Consequently the expression of positive regard by a significant other can become more compelling than the organismic valuing process, and the individual becomes more adient to the positive regard of such others than toward experiences which are of positive value in actualising the organism.” (Rogers 1989) In this metaphor as in my life, I was valuing the opinions of others over and above that of my own. My parent’s voices were in fact my conditions of worth. I felt that I was only worth any thing of value if I acted in a way that they approved of. So I didn’t cry or admit to ever feeling tired or feeling like giving in. I tried to act in away that I thought was strong and showed no signs of weakness. Men don’t cry, especially the oldest male in the family. Carl Rogers sums this up wonderfully; “ If an individual should experience only unconditional positive regard, then no conditions of worth would develop, self regard would be unconditional, the needs for positive regard and self regard would never be at variance with organismic evaluation, and the individual would continue to be psychologically adjusted, and would be fully functioning.”(Rogers 1989) I have had heard it said, that if we can withstand the heat of the forge then we can mould ourselves into what ever we want to become. I believe that this is true, and most of us in life never achieve our full potential, for various reasons. How ever in my own life I have found myself in the forge and wondering how I ever got there. It is fine being in the forge if it is by choice and we have some say in what we are about to be moulded into. But in my case I felt as though other people were in charge of the forge and telling me what I would become. My reasoning for this was that I believed they knew better than I did, they knew best. I wasn’t the expert in my own life; I had handed that responsibility over to others. My locus of evaluation was external, but as in my metaphor, when I decided it was time to remove my armour, my locus of evaluation was becoming internal; I was listening to myself and doing what was really the best for me. Carl Rogers says; “Our need to be loved and accepted can impair our ability to be congruent, to be whole and genuine. As infants the locus of evaluation is firmly embedded within us, but as we grow physically, emotionally, and intellectually, we learn to interject the evaluations that come to us from the external world until, for many of us, it is no longer possible to recognise the difference between what is internal and what is external, to know who we really are.” (Rogers 1989) So where did that little but powerful voice, that told me it would be ok to remove my armour come from? I believe that this is the most powerful part of me, and indeed all of us. It is our instinct, our sixth sense, our connection to God; it is spiritual in essence. Rogers talked about the organismic valuing process and how it supplements the actualising tendency. He said that when we are born we instinctively know what experiences we prefer and those that we don’t. We know what will help to actualise us and what wont. If we are hungry we want food but when we are full we then reject the food. I have noticed with my own children that they prefer to eat when they are hungry, not at set times. Robert D Nye noted that; “ Rogers pointed out that, by adulthood, many of us have lost contact with our organismic valuing process. We tend to become inflexible, uncertain, and uncomfortable in our values and often live unproductively with defensiveness and anxieties. Some where along the way to adulthood the inherent valuing process that should have led to ever more fulfilling ways of living (that is, toward higher and higher levels of actualisation) ceased to operate properly.” (Robert D Nye 2000) I can certainly relate, through my own experiences of life, with Rogers when he talks about the valuing process ceasing to operate properly. I feel that as a child I was very sensitive, soft and loving. But some how it felt as though this part of me had been either cut out or cut off. Dave Mearns says that, “ Developing configurations within the self is a way of becoming expert in social living and preserving sanity. In life’s varied social contexts it would be only minimally adaptive if the human being had to rely on one consistent image of her self. This person would have to limit her social contact to situations in which her self was appropriate.” (Mearns and Thorne 2000) I went to see the college counsellor for some personal therapy, as I wanted to discover my blind spots. Although I was not in crisis, I knew that there were some personal areas I wanted to look at, for example my defences. I also wanted to know what it would feel like to sit in the role of a client. The college counsellor was integrative in style and with me tended to use Transactional Analysis. I found my sessions with her very challenging but also very rewarding and I enjoyed my time with her. The one thing that sticks in my mind was how quickly she came to the conclusion that part of my child state was repressed. In T.A the counsellors work with the concepts of, parent, adult and child, and every one has these three parts. This certainly, for me at least, ties in with Rogers theory of the valuing process ceasing to function properly. At some stage in my development it became inappropriate for me to be a soft sensitive child, so I stopped being that way. I feel that I shut that part of me away because he didn’t fit in with how other people wanted me to be. I was the oldest of four brothers on a very rough council estate; I had to toughen up. I feel that by shutting this part of me off I was defending this lovely but vulnerable part of my character. It wasn’t safe to be vulnerable or trusting in my environment. I took on the roles of being the oldest, of having responsibilities, of being the protector. If any of my brothers were being bullied, I had to sort it out. But if ever I got bullied, and I did, I was expected to sort out my own problems. As I grew up I now realise that I hid behind my roles. To show my emotions would involve taking a risk. If I showed people I was scared or sad, would they laugh? Would they see my feelings as a weakness? But if I could hide behind my macho roles then I would not have to take any risks. Men don’t cry, men don’t show emotions, I found it very easy to keep that vulnerable part of me well hidden. I am reminded of the words of John Verti, s.j
To love is to risk not being loved in return. To live is to risk dying. To hope is to risk despair. To try is to risk failure.
But risk must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. The person, who risks nothing, has nothing and is nothing. They may avoid suffering and sorrow but they simply cannot learn, feel, Change, grow, and love, live.
Chained by their certitudes, they are a slave, they have forfeited freedom. Only a person who risks is free.
Teach me to listen to those nearest to me. Make me aware of the message, Accept the person I am. Listen to me.
Teach me to listen to those far from me The plea of the forgotten, the cry of the anguished. Teach me to listen to myself. Help me to be less afraid, to trust the voice inside, In the deepest part of me. In my personal development group at college I have realised that I am hiding behind my roles once again. I am the only man in the group and I sit in the same seat every week. If any one asks me a question I deflect them with humour or a clever phrase. By doing this I am keeping them away from meeting me at a deeper, more personal level. I try to project an image of good old dependable Tony. Even sitting in the same seat each week is a part of this image. People know where I am and where I will all ways be. This could be my way of reassuring the group that, although I am a man, I am not a threat to them. I am very well aware of my gender within the Pd group and I am also very well aware that I want to fit in. I know lots of wise words and sayings and can give them on cue, thus keeping the spotlight on what I have said, rather than on me the person. In an exercise during one of our classes we were asked to change seats. I was amazed at how many people commented on me not being seated in my usual place. I often sit there quietly not wanting to say anything in case I upset some one. And then what would the group think of me? Maybe that Tony’s not so nice after all. And if they thought I wasn’t so nice, especially as I was the only man amongst a group of woman, would they then reject me? I feel safe in my Pd group, no one challenges me and I don’t challenge them. I wonder if the core conditions are in place within the group, which would allow me to feel safe enough to risk feeling unsafe. Maybe there is still enough time to take that risk. But I have noticed that I don’t feel so safe in-groups of men. Men are a challenge, how do I compare to other men will they see through my macho roles? Or not be impressed with them in the first place. I feel even more defended in a group of men, but my defences are different. In a group of men I am more likely to go on the attack, not physically but verbally. My humour will be aimed at one up manship and maintaining my place in the group. It is as if in a group of woman my masculinity is not under threat. How ever in a group of men my masculinity definitely is, although I am still working on these aspects of my self in personal therapy. My initial thoughts are that my feelings of insecurity around men stem from my relationship with my father. I felt that I could never please him, I was always too soft. The only time I ever hugged my dad was just after he died and I think that was only because he couldn’t push me away. I believe that due to my fathers own upbringing he did not know how to handle emotions, his own or other peoples. Whenever I cried as a child he chastised me, “don’t be such a baby” were the words I heard after almost being comatosed by some one with a chair leg. He dragged me along to the local boxing club in a vain attempt to toughen me up. He wasn’t pleased when I cried after getting my first punch on the nose. I believe that my father did love me, but he just couldn’t show his feelings. And this in turn led me to be confused about my own feelings towards him and other men. It wasn’t safe to show my feelings around men but I know, no matter how hard or well I managed to hide these feelings, they were still there. I do feel that now I know, at least part of the reason, why I am so defended around the area of feelings, and I have brought this into my awareness. That I can start to be real and reveal my feelings whenever I feel the need. I am starting to be less defended. Although I feel that as a person I am becoming less defended, which is a good feeling. I do value my defences and appreciate their usefulness. While I was in the first year of the diploma course, and looking at my defences. I wrote this poem in my personal journal, which summed up my feelings at that time. I acquired my protector some where along the way. I can’t remember meeting him or asking him to stay.
He helped me to face the world, each and every day. A useful crutch to lean on along my journeys way.
I was often scared and frightened and struggled to hold these feelings in. He said don’t let others see your fears and you will win.
We travelled together hand in hand. And together faced my trials and tribulations Through out this land. It was a partnership, beneficial and true, but some how you became the stronger of us two.
I began to realise your protection had a price, the feelings you raised weren’t always nice. Did I need you as much as I thought? And could I do without the tension your friendship brought?
I started to doubt my dependence on you but you had always been there, what could I do? I felt that it was time to face the world on my own, and not follow the lead you had shown.
Could I dare to reveal my true self? And let the real me come down, from the top shelf. I feel that my real self is really quite strong. If only I had known this all along!
However I am not bitter, this much is true. I know I could never have gotten this far without you. You were my armour and covered my cracks. You got me through the scary times and kept my feet On the tracks.
For the first time I feel that I can let you go, but I will miss you and love you I want you to know. I’m sure I can make it, I know that I will, but thanks for everything I think of you still. In this poem I was trying to say that my defences do have a purpose. For example in my role as a fire fighter I need to be calm and focused in a crisis. If I turn up to a road traffic accident or a major fire. I can’t stand there and say to my station officer, “ I’m not going in there, its too hot and I’m scared. Or I can’t cut that woman out of her car because I’m just too emotional today.” I have to put my personal feelings to one side to carry out my job to the best of my ability. In a way I hide behind my role as a fire fighter, which is appropriate in these circumstances. As Freud said, “ Defence mechanisms play an important role in normal development and we all use them.” ( Windy Dryden and Jill Myton 1999) Although I realise that my defences are important and useful, they can also be very restricting. I feel that balance is a key word when talking about defences. It is the difference between knowing when to be defended and when I don’t need to be. I have observed within my self and my clients as they go through the process of therapy that, we all become less guarded. Certainly from my own experience as I learn to value myself, and even love myself. I feel that I can be more open to criticism from others. And I find that I am becoming more acceptant of other people. Carl Rogers puts this concept into words superbly. “ It seems to mean that the individual moves towards being, knowingly and acceptingly, the process which he inwardly and actually is. He moves away from being what he is not, from being a façade. He is not trying to be more than he is, with the attendant feelings of insecurity or bombastic defensive-Ness. He is not trying to be less than he is, with the attendant feelings of guilt or self-depreciation. He is increasingly listening to the deepest recesses of his physiological and emotional being, and finds himself increasingly willing to be, with greater accuracy and depth, that self which he most truly is.”(Rogers 1961) I also feel that Rogers 18 th proposition, as interpreted by Tony Merry is very relevant to me at this point. “ When we see ourselves more clearly and accept ourselves more for what we are rather than how others would like us to be, we can understand that others are equal to us, sharing basic human qualities yet distinct as individuals.” (Tony Merry 1999) So what do I bring to the counselling relationship? In order for a lobster to grow it must shed its skin. However it is exactly at this point that the lobster is at its most vulnerable. This is how I experience a lot of my clients. They come to counselling because they are in crisis and as such feel very vulnerable. My first task as a counsellor is to provide a safe place, so that together we can explore that vulnerability. I do this by making sure that the core conditions are in place. Staying with the metaphor of the lobster, I find a large rock that we can both hide behind and share the feeling of vulnerability, until the new skin has grown. Rogers said (Rogers 1989 pg. 221) for constructive personality change to occur, it is necessary that these conditions exist and continue over a period of time;
So it is my aim to make the counselling environment as safe as possible, for both my client and myself. As a person centred counsellor I believe that all human beings are spiritual in nature. And our journey through life is about rediscovering that spiritual part of ourselves. I think that Ellen Bass puts this really well; “There’s a part of every living thing that wants to become itself; the tadpole into the frog, the chrysalis into the butterfly, a damaged human being into a whole one. That is spirituality.” (Dan Millman 1992) I am also reminded of these words from Nelson Mandela, that have inspired me so much. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Who are you not to be? You are a child of God. You playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking, so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is in us. Its not just within some of us, its in everyone. When we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give to other people, permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. As a counsellor I try to bring all of myself into the relationship with my client. By all of myself I mean every part of me. My defensive self, my authentic self and also my strengths and weaknesses. To do this I must be aware of the various aspects of myself and also be accepting of them. Dave Mearns says, “ More important than an in depth analysis is that the therapist is at ease with her configurations and there dynamics- that she values all these dimensions to her existence.” (Mearns and Thorne 2000) This is where personal development groups and personal therapy are so important. I can bring various aspects of myself, that may have been hidden into awareness. Once they are in my awareness I can choose whether to share them or not. Dave Mearns puts it like this, “An experienced person centred counsellor may find herself able to trust and use many dimensions of herself in the work. However, such work must be closely supervised.” (Dave Mearns 1994) One of the biggest discoveries that I have made over the last two years, is how authentic I can be in a counselling relationship. I feel really alive and at my best when I am counselling. I can be the real me, vulnerable, confident, scared or brave. I have been able to share emotions with my clients, “ I am feeling really sad and I wanted to check out if this feeling was around for you.” I have cried with clients, which is something I have rarely done in my own every day life. There have been times when I have felt a sense of frustration with a client, and I have been able to check this out. “ Is this frustration mine, yours or both of ours?” I believe that as I continue to work on bringing all of the configurations of myself into awareness that my relationships with my clients will grow. For in bringing forward hidden and guarded parts of myself I feel that the client will feel empowered to do the same, if they so wish. In the counselling relationship I don’t have to take on the role of being the eldest and being expected to know the answers. It is an equal relationship and I freely accept that the clients are the experts in their own lives. I feel as though I was drawn towards counselling and it is almost like a vocational calling. Although it is the clients who ask for counselling, I feel privileged to accompany them on their journey of self-discovery. For by accompanying them on their journeys I also continue my own journey of self-discovery. I have a feeling that my journey will never end and I am continually growing and changing. So who is Anthony somers? Anthony Somers is Anthony Somers. “How can one appear so many? In reply, the Buddha takes out a handkerchief. You see he says that this is one handkerchief. Now I will tie it into six knots. Then we have here six knots, but it is still one handkerchief.” ( Zohar and Marshal 2000) I feel as though I have covered allot of ground on my journey over the last two years and I realise that I have still got along way to go. Sometimes it even feels as though the more I discover the less I know. But even the longest journey starts with the first step, and I have definitely taken that step on my journey towards becoming a person centred counsellor. I think that it is only fitting that I finish this assignment with a quote from the great man himself. “ This has raised in my mind the strong suspicion that the optimal helping relationship is the kind of relationship created by a person who is psychologically mature. Or to put it another way, the degree to which I can create relationships, which facilitate the growth of others as separate persons, is a measure of the growth I have achieved in myself. In some respects this is a disturbing thought, but it is also a promising or challenging one. It would indicate that if I am interested in creating helping relationships I have a fascinating lifetime job ahead of me, stretching and developing my potentialities in the direction of growth.” (Rogers 1989)
Warm Regards: Anthony Somers
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Anthony Somers: Articles My journey along the seemingly ever merging spiritual and counselling path. Me and the person in counselling. |
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